RWYH 17

Episode 17 Transcript

Breaking the Cycle: Transforming Pain into Purpose (ft. Cari Teran)

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Cari Teran:

When I founded Healing To You, I knew that me being a survivor was part of this story and part of our process, that this was an organization that was meant to disrupt my own family's generational trauma. 

Aimee Hanna: 

Welcome to Remember Why You're Here, a podcast created by the Center for Innovation and Resources, where we host conversations with experts in the field about what started their journey to do work around abuse and healing. 

CIR is a small nonprofit with big goals. We organize events aimed to fulfill our vision that all professionals who serve children, families, and communities will have the knowledge, skills, and training to act in a holistic and culturally responsive manner. To see more of what we do, visit cirinc.org

Crystal Cardenas:

Cari Teran, founding director and CEO of Healing To You, has spent 20 years in community mental health as a clinical supervisor and program director. Cari has extensive experience working with children who have endured complex trauma, sexual abuse, domestic violence, and abduction.Cari is a member of the California Child Abduction Task Force and the Los Angeles County Interagency Council on Child Abuse and Neglect Task Force, both of which provide an opportunity to collaborate with multidisciplinary teams regarding prevention and active cases. In her spare time, Cari enjoys succulent gardening and playing with her family and rescue dogs. 

The following podcast episode discusses topics related to domestic violence. Please be advised that the content may be sensitive or triggering for some listeners. Your well-being is important. And support is available. Please take care and prioritize your safety and mental health while engaging with this content. 

Crystal Cardenas:

Hi, Cari. Thank you so much for joining us today.  

Cari Teran:

Thank you, Crystal, for having me. 

Crystal Cardenas:

I am so excited because Cari and I have known each other 10 years, right? And so to just think about the evolution of us as people, you in your career, and all of the different things that you've done. Tell us a little bit about the stuff you've dabbled in and then where you are now. 

Cari Teran:

So I am currently CEO of Healing To You, which is a innovative health care organization providing medical and mental health services. And our goal is that we are accessible, equitable, and making health care just easier for people. And in my education, I am a licensed marriage and family therapist. I've spent 20 years in clinical roles, trying to support families and children. 

Crystal Cardenas: 

So tell us how and why you started Healing To You. 

Cari Teran:

It was important to me, when I got out of grad school, that I worked with either domestic violence or sexual assault survivors. There was just no question. It was like, which one will it be? [CHUCKLES] And so I started off with WomenShelter in Long Beach as their children's program coordinator. 

And then I transitioned to Sojourn Services in Santa Monica. And they had been running a pilot program of domestic violence emergency response team. This was in 1995. So it was the first for LAPD Pacific division. And they had a volunteer, Carol Tantau, who was essentially running this program, volunteer for a year to just get some stats. 

They got funded by the Department of Health and hired me to implement it. They were like, here's this grant on some paper. Now, go ahead and make it a program. And it was probably the most fun, and exciting, and rewarding program I had ever worked to just envision and build whatever we want and problem solve. 

So Carol and I did that for a few years. And I moved on to focus on clinical hours, and Carol maintained and continued personally responding to calls day and night. And when I got this grant for this mobile health care program and had this vision for Healing To You, I called Carol. And I said, Carol, I think that I've got a fun thing to do. 

First of all, I had heard about this grant and wanted to make sure that my friends in LA county knew about it and could write for it. So I reached out to them and said, hey, there's this grant for DV mobile health care. Do you have it? I'll email it to you. 

And everyone's response was, oh, yeah, we saw it. That'd be great, but we don't have the resources. We don't have the staff. We can't write for it. And I was crushed because-- now it had been 20 years since I had worked in DV shelters. But I thought, I'm sure they need health care. 

Crystal Cardenas:

Right. 

Cari Teran:

Right? 

Crystal Cardenas:

In LA? 

Cari Teran:

Anywhere, right? So then I started asking, well, what do you all do for health care? How do you get vaccines and checkups? And it was the same thing from 1995. Well, they go to the ER or the urgent care around the corner. To think of a family that's just left a crisis situation, and now they're in a shelter, and to get the kids enrolled in school, they've got to have their vaccination records. 

Crystal Cardenas: 

Right. 

Cari Teran:

And if they haven't grabbed them or didn't have them, they have to go to the doctor. And so now they're sitting in an urgent care center or an emergency department for sometimes 8 to 10 hours for just a physical to get into school. And I thought, this is broken. This is not OK. 

And you know that I have been an advocate for health care and just see the connection in my private practice between folks who have endured trauma in their childhood, and then they have these co-occurring disorders in their adulthood. They just have physical problems, right? 

Crystal Cardenas:

Right. 

Cari Teran:

And hearing their stories of difficulty in accessing services, authorizations, denials, deductibles, it's such a confusing system to navigate. And I'm talking people who have cancer and they're getting things like denied or pushed back. 

So it was just this tornado of goodness that came. It was like, they're not writing for it. This needs to happen. And I have this experience in domestic violence. And I love innovation and programming and coming up with new ideas. And my life partner has formerly run mobile health care clinics. So [CHUCKLES] 

[CHUCKLING] 

Cari Teran: 

--I sat them down. I said, I think we need to form a nonprofit and write this grant. And we did. And then we won. 

So because it's Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I wanted to talk a little bit in depth with you about domestic violence. What are some of the misconceptions that you see or hear about domestic violence survivors? 

I think some misconceptions are that it doesn't happen to everyone, that it's maybe just certain people that happens to, maybe lower income or people who may not have resources, and that is absolutely incorrect. Domestic violence and interpersonal abuse occurs across genders, sexuality, race, income. 

There are doctors, surgeons, lawyers, judges who are abusers and have been abused. And I think that's something that people don't understand. It's not discussed. And so many of us probably have a friend in our circle who has been in an abusive relationship or might be now, and we may not even know it. 

Crystal Cardenas: 

So let's talk a little bit about that. How would I distinguish an unhealthy relationship versus a friend who's in an abusive relationship? 

Cari Teran: 

Abusive would be exerting some kind of power and control. I have control over where you go, what you do, what you spend. And so what is unhealthy? Is it just that, oh, this person isn't meeting my needs? Maybe I need a certain level of communication and they don't know how to communicate. And so maybe they don't want to work on it. That could, after a while, be unhealthy, if we stay in that and don't get our needs met. 

Crystal Cardenas:

What are some of the barriers that prevent people from leaving abusive relationships? 

Cari Teran: 

I think there's so many. But when I think back to the abusive relationship that I was in as a teen, I think one of the things is just shame and embarrassment, because there's so much verbal, emotional control and abuse that they wear you down. And when there isn't a real solid self, or self-esteem, or sense of self, I guess, it's hard to stand up and say no or leave. 

In my relationship, he would often threaten that if I broke up with him, he would burn a Star of David on our lawn, because we're Jewish. He was stalking me. My family had moved. So I went to a different school than him. And I kind of thought, OK, this is going to be helpful. But he would call me after school and then ask me why I wore a certain outfit. 

Crystal Cardenas:

Wow. 

Cari Teran: 

And I would never have seen him that day. So he was obviously watching me, and that added this level of fear that I just am not sure what he's capable of. 

Crystal Cardenas:

Right, 

Cari Teran:

We did finally break up. And I had had-- a friend of mine was walking me home. He knew. I only told two people what was going on and he was one of them. And he was walking me home to make sure I was getting home safe. 

And that day, we arrived at my house and my ex-boyfriend was there with a friend of his and a baseball bat. And I told my friend to just keep walking, do not stop, because they would have harmed him. And I don't even know where the courage in me came out, but I walked right past him, got into my house. I tried to not let him in, but he forced his way in. And I locked myself in my bedroom. He ended up kicking my bedroom door down. 

I don't know how he left that day. I don't know why. I don't remember. I don't know what came over me to be so bold. 

Crystal Cardenas: 

Right. 

Cari Teran:

Thank goodness I was, but it's such a juxtaposition because he very well could have killed me. 

Crystal Cardenas: 

Right. 

Cari Teran:

He could have swung that bat at my head, right? And this is the trouble and the challenge in working with folks who are in these abusive relationships. It's not so easy to just say, well, just leave. You've really got to plan this out and plan for safety. And there's so many layers to these abusive relationships that people don't know about. And so it really requires preplanning escape planning with folks who know these dynamics. 

I actually found out years later, from-- after college, I had reconnected with some friends from high school. And they all used to skate in this alley behind my first job. And they used to tell me, yeah, I remember that dude. He used to come up and we'd get into fights all the time because he'd want to hang out behind your job and just watch you. I never knew that. Years had gone by. So it was very weird to have that stalking confirmed. 

Crystal Cardenas:

Yeah. 

Cari Teran: 

Something else that I reflect on a lot is I have a lot of physical pain and I have a back issue. So I really need physical therapy and massage on my lower back. And there are times then-- I'm sure doing telehealth and meetings, your neck and your shoulders get really crazy tense. And my massage therapist is so good at massaging my neck. And I was thinking about it just a few weeks ago that 20 years ago, no one could touch my neck because I had been strangled. And it was such a trauma trigger for me. 

And now, today, I can actually enjoy a massage and feel safe. Nothing is triggering about that. And I think about our clients all the time that-- how privileged I am that I can just go get a massage when I need to, and I want that for our clients. I want them to feel that safe someday. And I want them to be able to get whatever treatments they need that they may not feel comfortable getting right now. 

Crystal Cardenas:

Thank you so much for being so vulnerable and for sharing that, because I know it would not be easy to share that stuff. But I also feel like you being that vulnerable just lends to others being that vulnerable. And from just listener and admirer, I really, truly appreciate that you've taken something that's been so difficult and traumatic through generations and have really turned it into something so beautiful like Healing To You. 

Cari Teran:

Thank you. Crystal I think it's important to share my story because I think that can help break the shame and secrecy around it. It just happens to so many people. And my story is one of a million. 

Crystal Cardenas:

Right. 

Cari Teran: 

So I hope that others feel comfortable sharing and can get the support they need. 

Crystal Cardenas:

And also to see that they can heal, right? And here you are, nice and healed, and doing amazing and wonderful things for others and giving that back. So that's great. 

Cari Teran:

Thank you. It's interesting, because when I founded Healing To You, I knew that me being a survivor was part of the story and part of our process, that this was an organization that was meant to disrupt my own family's generational trauma, what my grandmother experienced, what my parents experienced, and then what I ended up experiencing. 

And I was determined that my children did not experience trauma. And I was very conscious in my parenting, in tying in reflective parenting and being very child-centered, and being a clinician helps, [CHUCKLES] being very mindful and all of that. 

And I feel very proud that my children did not experience any of the traumas that we had in previous generations, so much so that my niece is our program coordinator and will most likely be CEO someday, because she's just phenomenal. And so it feels really good that not only is our family interrupting the cycle, but they get to be a part of this and get to work here and give back. 

Crystal Cardenas: 

So thinking about me and my culture, and the machismo and the control that's already ingrained in the culture, I think a lot of the times will be classified as unhealthy versus control. It's harder to decipher, to identify that or to encourage someone to say like, hey, this is beyond controlling, beyond unhealthy. 

Cari Teran: 

Yeah. 

Crystal Cardenas: 

Do you see that? 

Cari Teran:

I have people ask all the time. Oh, my friend is in this sucky relationship. Their partner is mean to them. Or maybe we hear things that are concerning. And so we might want to say like, hey, friend, get out of there. And I always caution people not to do that because what that will do is just alienate your friend. 

And then your friend will say, oh, I guess I can't reach out to that person because they're going to judge me. And I'm going to stay with this person for now. So I can't now talk to my friend about this. 

If you want to support your friend who's in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, whatever that level of things may be, keep it focused on your friend, because we tend to, as a friend, pass judgment. Like, oh my god, I can't believe they did that to you. And we focus on the partner's behavior when really, as a therapist, we focus on the friend's experience. 

How does that feel for you when your partner did that? Do you think that this is how relationships are supposed to be? Is this something that is OK with you? And keeping it focused on the friend, I think, is a good idea because it's offering support and listening without judgment. And that's ultimately what the friend needs. 

Right. It's such an important thing because I have been in those situations. A lot of the times, I would find myself comparing that judgment of, well, I could easily do it. And I think that I did find that same experience of people just didn't tell me anymore because I was just like, I already told you what to do-- 

Crystal Cardenas:

Right. 

Cari Teran:

--leave. And I think that that's one of the things that as I've been in this world and delved into, I've realized that trauma and relationships, they are not black and white. It is not clear. There's love, and support, and need, and control, and trauma, and abuse, and hurt. It's not an easy separation. 

And we tend to seek out those unhealthy or abusive relationships because we're working out our own unresolved trauma, right? And so if we have stuff that hasn't been worked through or resolved, we might not feel as confident about ourselves. We may not feel as worthy. 

And so when someone says something offensive to us, or demeans us, or chips away at us, domestic violence tends to do. It's not just a big event. It's erosion, right? We tend to say, oh, well, maybe they're right. Maybe I can't get anything better or anyone better. I'm not worthy. And so I think it's important to really support a friend and say, I think you should talk to someone professional about this. 

I've had plenty of clients over my 20 years in clinical practice come to me because they're saying they're depressed or anxious. And when we get down to it, they're really in an unhappy relationship and they don't know what to do. They don't know what's right. They don't know what's up, what's down. And once we sit down and break down what's not working, they start recognizing, oh, yeah, this isn't very healthy for me. When they can end that relationship and be on their own and build their self esteem, that's amazing success. 

Crystal Cardenas:

I think that's one of the things that I find difficult, is accepting that everybody has their specific time when they're going to be ready to take that next step. OK. So going back to culture, how has your family history impacted your work? 

So I'm a quarter Japanese. My grandmother, my obaachan, is from Japan. And she met my grandfather during World War II. And my obaachan was a spitfire. She kind of had two lives. 

She had this life before I was born, where she was this huge character, and then this life that I knew her as, this 4' 11" Japanese woman with the quintessential black, purple-toned bob from the '50s with bangs. I mean, that's how she looked until the day she died. But in her first life here, she had resisted an arranged marriage in the '40s, which was huge. 

Crystal Cardenas:

Huge. 

Cari Teran:

And so that was kind of frowned upon in her family. And then she went and married this American during World War II. So her family wasn't too thrilled. She moved to Hokkaido and had my dad and my aunt, and then came to the States and had my third aunt. And he went to the Korean War and returned a very different person, according to relatives' reports. 

And now, mind you, growing up, I didn't know necessarily this history that she had. I just knew that I never met my grandpa. He just was never around. And then as I got older, it was like, no, he left them. 

But after her death, I learned so much more. Because she was a very proper Japanese woman, she did not dish. She did not spill her stuff. And she was just very private and modest. And what I learned was he was extremely abusive to her, and my dad and my aunts, and had molested my aunt repeatedly. And they've given me permission to share their story. 

And by the time I was a teenager, I had known that there was abuse. I didn't quite know the extent, and I felt rather confused about it. Like, how could anyone hurt my obaachan? She's so sweet. And then I learned that she was extra feisty and that eventually she ended up kicking him out. He was a horrific alcoholic. She had kicked him out, actually moved and got an apartment on her own. 

Now, mind you, she spoke very little English. And I think she refused to learn a lot of English while she lived here. But she worked in Little Tokyo in a dress shop and did her thing as my grandma. She babysat me for my first few years. So we had a very solid bond. 

But I learned actually after her passing that he had arrived to their new apartment drunk, had pulled a knife on her. Yeah, that my dad, who was like 10, had jumped onto his back, and they were wrestling for this knife. And my obaachan finally said to him, look, let me fix you some food. Just sit down. And she made him food. He calmed down. He left and they never heard from him again. 

Crystal Cardenas:

Wow. 

Cari Teran:

I know, very-- I think about the courage and bravery it took for her in the 1950s. A Japanese immigrant, right after the war, when everyone hated Japan, and she's here in Little Tokyo and doing her thing. 

And so my two aunts and my dad graduated. And they're all creatives, and it was hard for them. They had all this trauma and it never-- they never had therapy. They never got medical treatment. 

They were poor. So they struggled. They had mental health issues, substance abuse issues. That was like my childhood and what I saw. I didn't see any of the abuse, but I saw the aftermath of what the abuse did. 

And in honesty, I had my own teen dating abusive relationship and didn't even connect the two. So not only my family having that historical generational trauma, and then me having my own significant abusive relationship. 

Crystal Cardenas:

Wow. As I reflect on your story, your obaachan's story, that's a lot to take in. And then I think about the service providers that are doing this work, and it's really heavy. And so how do you, one, recognize that it is time to take care of yourself? And two, how do you actually take care of yourself? 

Cari Teran: 

I think it's important that people know themselves and their limits. And sometimes, that's hard to do when we're first starting out in our careers, especially in a social services field or a helping field. We graduate and we want to get out there, and work our 60 hours, and do everything. And then we raise families. And unfortunately, in nonprofits, historically, salaries have been not great. 

I was a single mom raising my two boys on $45,000 a year. And when I was reflecting on that, it's so hard to create emotional space for yourself when you're trying to survive. 

Crystal Cardenas:

Right. 

Cari Teran:

Right? And so there's so many of those foundational things that are important and need to be addressed or recognized, finances and childcare, and work and housing, because if those basics aren't met, how on Earth are you even going to transition into thriving from surviving? 

I think that pay salaries need to be raised. I think that the 40-hour workweek is a joke. Our employees work 36 hours in 4 days. I mean, I've tried to change things so that we can be sustainable and really be aware of our own team members' and employees' mental health because this is a hard job. And generationally, companies and corporations don't factor in employee health or mental health. Our employees still say, I can't believe you all ask how we feel about things. [CHUCKLES] And I'm like, why wouldn't we? 

Another piece, I think, is setting those personal boundaries, because we want to do everything. We want to fix everything and be everything for everybody. And that was the best lesson that I ever could have had, was being able to say, you know what? I can't do that. I'm sorry. That's not going to happen. And being able to say no and preserve my time or my energy. I don't think like normal people. 

[CHUCKLES] 

Aside from being neurodivergent, it has really been my superpower, because I get to think differently. And I don't think I was ever one to be managed. I think I was always meant to be a manager because I don't like people telling me what to do. But I also lead in a way that I think and I hope is more open and authentic and transparent. I think that fear of, well, I can't tell my boss no because then I won't get a promotion, that doesn't feel healthy to me, right? 

Crystal Cardenas:

Right. 

Cari Teran:

Feels almost unhealthy that you're-- I don't even like the term "boss" or "staff." We tend to use "leadership" or "team members" because of that power differential. So I'm trying to shift things from our little organization, hoping that it spreads out and catches on, so that people can say no and take care of themselves. 

Crystal Cardenas:

Tell us how we can help and support the work that Healing To You does. 

Cari Teran:

We love donations. Listeners can go to our website, which is www.healingtoyou-- T-O-Y-O-U-- .org. And they can donate directly on our site. We are looking for more partners. 

Right now, we have two 38-foot, three-room mobile clinics that roam around San Diego County, Riverside County, and Orange County, serving domestic violence shelters, homeless teen shelters, and other homeless shelters for adults. And we are opening a brick-and-mortar clinic in Wilmington, which is South Los Angeles here in California, and that is going to be a full, comprehensive clinic.

Anyone can come and get a health checkup. They can get immunizations, a physical. We are going to bring in an optometrist so that they can get some eye exams. There will be full mental health services and psychiatric services. We're also offering case management. We have a lactation consultant who goes out on our mobile clinics as well to support the new moms. 

And we will be opening a 24/7 rape crisis center within our Wilmington clinic. So our nurse practitioners are getting trained in the sexual assault forensic exams for adults and pediatrics. And so victims of assault will be able to come to our clinic for a free, confidential exam. 

Crystal Cardenas:

Cari, really, thank you for all of the work that you do. Thank you for your passion, because we really need it. [CHUCKLES] 

Cari Teran:

Thanks. 

Crystal Cardenas:

You do such wonderful things. So thank you so much for that work. And thank you for joining us today. 
 

Cari Teran:

Oh, thank you so much for having me, Crystal. It's always a pleasure and an honor. Love chatting with you. 

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Thank you so much for listening to another episode of Remember Why You're Here. To access the transcript for this episode and to learn more about what we do at CIR, please visit our website at cirinc.org Until next time. 

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